Post Secret: I secretly believe that God lets people into heaven based on how they treat animals!

Lights come up on the Golden Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter, who is very large and muscular is dressed in a white muscle t-shirt. He holds a clip board containing the names of people allowed to get into Heaven. There is a line of people some in business clothes, some in street clothes. They are being held off and kept in line with a white rope like you would see at a dance club. The line is steadily moving forward, some people are allowed through the gates, some however are not and they walk towards the exit sign on the other side of the stage.
SAINT PETER
Next!

WOMAN approaches

SAINT PETER
[looking at the check list]
Name?

WOMAN
Um, Gertrude Harris?

SAINT PETER, flips through papers on the clip board.

SAINT PETER
Middle name please?

WOMAN
Evelyn.

SAINT PETER
Oh, yes, there you are. [unclips rope] You are free to enter, have a good time.

WOMAN enters gates

SAINT PETER
NEXT!

MAN approaches

SAINT PETER
Name?

MAN
David Duchovny.

SAINT PETER flips through the papers, and then realizes who it is.

SAINT PETER
Wait, the David Duchovny?

MAN
Yes, well, I'm the only David Duchovny I know.

SAINT PETER
Oh man, I loved you in X-Files, it was like my favorite show!

MAN
Well, thank you.

SAINT PETER looks for MAN'S name

SAINT PETER
Oh, that's unfortunate. Well, I guess I could see why he would decide that.

MAN
Whats unfortunate?

SAINT PETER
Well it appears you have been denied entrance through the holy gates.

MAN
What? On what grounds?!

SAINT PETER
Well it says here that it was your fault that the series had to end, because you wanted to marry that, pardon my french, that "bitch" Tea Leoni.

MAN
Who said that?!

SAINT PETER
Well the boss of course. He was a big fan of the show, sad to see it go. [pause]Do you know the way to Hell?

MAN
[beginning to exit]
Yeah, yeah, I've been here before.

MAN exits

SAINT PETER
Next!

WOMAN approaches, carrying a dog in a pink purse

SAINT PETER
[flipping through papers]
Name?

WOMAN
Alecia Phillis, and this here is Mr. Binky, [snuggling to the dog, baby talk] Yes he is, oh hes so cute, yes...

SAINT PETER
[rolling his eyes]
Middle name?

WOMAN
Grace.

SAINT PETER
Sorry, but you have been denied.

WOMAN
What? I don't get it, am I like going to hell?

SAINT PETER
Yes, sorry.

WOMAN
But I didn't do anything wrong!

SAINT PETER
Didn't you kill your... Mr. Binky while you were on your death bed, so you could have him through all eternity?

WOMAN
Well yeah, but people in Egypt used to do it all the time.

SAINT PETER
Those were different times... Dark times, we... we don't allow those kinds of things anymore... [shudders, then pauses] I'm sorry, do you know the way?

WOMAN
No...

SAINT PETER
Ok, just walk that way towards the sign[points towards exit]There will be an escalator. Now for your sins, you will want to go all the way down to the ninth circle.

WOMAN
Circle?

SAINT PETER
You know, Dante's 9 circles of hell? He had it almost right, except that we send animal killers and abusers down to the ninth level. [pause] I have nice journey.

WOMAN
Please, let me stay, I can't go to hell...

SAINT PETER
What can I say? You shouldn't have done it. Better luck next time. Now, go.

WOMAN begins to exit.

SAINT PETER
Wait!

WOMAN
Yeah?

SAINT PETER
[Taking the bag with MR. BINKY in it away.]
I'll be taking Mr. Binky, He didn't do anything wrong.

WOMAN
Wait, no. Not Mr. Binky, please.

SAINT PETER takes MR. BINKY out of the bag, and puts him on the floor. MR BINKY runs away, happy, through the gates, and doesn't look back. WOMAN runs after him, but SAINT PETER restrains her with out much effort, and snaps his fingers. SAINT MICHEAL and SAINT PAUL enter, and carry WOMAN offstage, towards the exit sign.

SAINT PETER
[regaining himself]
Next!

MAN 2 approaches. Lights fade