Post Secret: People always talk about how college was the best time of their lives, but it kind of sucks.

Lights come up on BECKY eating in the school cafeteria. The things that she is eating are unrecognizable. She takes a bite, then spits it into her napkin. After a few moments of careful consideration, she plugs her nose takes a quick bite and swallows with out chewing. She washes it down with a gulp of her coke, she repeats the process. Lights fade.

Lights come up on JASON in his dorm room typing on his laptop, doing homework. All of a sudden his roommate Kent and CHICK enter making out and feeling each other up. KENT pushes her on the bed and gets on top of her. They grope each other and moan. JASON tries clearing his throat. He clears it again, louder this time. Again even louder, but the couple ignore him.

JASON
dude!

The couple continue fooling around, and being stripping off clothes. JASON makes an angry sound grabs his laptop, and a poptart and exits. Lights fade.

Lights come up on FELECIA wrapped in a towel, she opens the shower curtain, about to and steps into the shower stall. She jumps back out, angry and disgusted. she stepped in some ones vomit.

FELECIA
Thats fucking disgusting!

FELECIA quickly hops to another shower stall. Lights fade.

Question: Do animals feel lust or desire?

Lights come up on woodland creatures in the forest. BOB a porcupine and STEVE, also a porcupine are standing under a tree. BOB smokes a cigarette, STEVE aimlessly carves a stick.

BOB
Has the wife?

STEVE
Ah shes good, kids are drivin' her nuts. Yours?

BOB
A pain.

STEVE
Well, aren't they always?

BOB
She keeps bugging me about this kid thing, except she never wants to do the actual work to have one, if you know what I mean.

STEVE
See, I got the opposite problem. I can't get Linda to leave me alone. Shes at me day and night, I want more kids she says. I can't handle any more kids.

BOB
I'd like to have a kid or two, but mostly I would like some damn attention...

long pause

STEVE
[off handed]
Maybe we should trade.

BOB
[after take a drag of his cigarette]
Heh. Yeah.

Lights fade.

Post Secret: I was taught how to masturbate in girl scout camp.


Lights rise on seven girls eating oreos, popcorn, and other snacks, one girl who is over weight (DOROTHY) eats celery and carrots. They are in their cabin, crowded on two beds, while 5 others remain empty. They are laughing and giggling, they shhhh each other, then burst out laughing again. They play truth or dare.

CINDY
[while munching on oreos]
Ok... um... Zoey

ZOEY looks up

CINDY
Truth or dare?

All the girls quiet

ZOEY
Uh.... [smiles] Dare.

CINDY
Ok... I dare you to... Run around the cabin, in the dark-

ZOEY
-Thats easy-

CINDY
Naked. 3 times.

ZOEY reddens. All the girls except DOROTHY and ZOEY start to chant "Zoey. Zoey" As they get louder, even DOROTHY joins in. ZOEY stands up, and strips off her shirt to reveal a my little ponies training bra. All the girls, except DOROTHY go" OHHHHHH" as ZOEY marches off as she is unbuttoning her pants.

ZOEY
[on her way out]
Susie can have my turn.

ZOEY exits

SUSIE
Ok... Um.... Jilly. Truth or dare.

JILLY
Dare.

SUSIE
I dare you to go outside and take Zoey's clothes and bring them in here. Then put that chair in front of the door. [brief pause] Quick!

JILLY runs outside, and comes back in giggling and throws the clothes at SUSIE. She grabs a chair and puts it in front of the door, then bounces back onto the bed, laughing.

JILLY
She is going to be so mad!!!!

All the girls laugh

JILLY
Ok my turn?
ZOEY pounds on the door

ZOEY
Come on guys! I'm getting chewed alive!!! This isn't funny!

All the girls laugh

ZOEY
If you dont let me in right now, I swear Ill scream and get the counselors over here.

SUSIE
[bringing the clothes and moving the chair]
Alright Alright. Keep your clothes on.

ZOEY
I would if you would give them to me.

SUSIE
Im coming. [opens the door and hands the clothes to ZOEY]

SUSIE goes back and sits on the bed. ZOEY enters, bra and panties on, hopping into her pants.

ZOEY
Since my turn was skipped, Im going to go. [pause] Dorothy. Truth or dare?

DOROTHY
[scared]
Uh. Truth.

ZOEY
Ok... Have you ever masturbated?

All the girls giggle, except DOROTHY who just gets red in the face

ZOEY
Have you?

DOROTHY
I um... I dont know... I dont know what that is....

SUSIE
You dont???

RENEE
Well, you know what sex is right?

DOROTHY nods, embarrassed

JILLY
Well, its like that but by yourself.

ZOEY
Yeah, instead of a mans... thing... you use your fingers-

CINDY
-or something else, like.... [spots DOROTHY about to bit into a carrot and snatches it] A carrot, except don't use this one. See how you shaved it? well now it could cut you while its... you know.

RENEE
I didn't know you could use carrots.

JILLY
Oh yeah, me and Cindy watched it on talk sex with sue johanson.

CINDY
Yeah.

DOROTHY
I umm.... I dont really get it.

JILLY
[taking the carrot from CINDY]
Well you just take the thing you are using and [makes a circle with her fingers and slides the carrot in and out] And you just do that.

DOROTHY
and thats... um... supposed to feel good?

CINDY
Yeah, it feels totally awesome.

RENEE
I dont think it really feels like anything.

DOROTHY
But then why do you do it?

RENEE
Because, you have this thing. My mom calls it my "cherry" but what ever. She told me that the first time I had sex it would hurt like hell when the guy "popped" my cherry. SO I did it on my own. I dont want my first time having sex to totally suck.

DOROTHY
But-

CINDY
Plus its good practice. I dont want to suck the first time I have sex.

DOROTHY
Isn't that-

JILLY
Totally.

DOROTHY
But isn't that a sin???

BRIDGET
Why would it be a sin... I mean I don't do it, but why would it be a sin?

DOROTHY
My mom told me that having sex before you were married was a sin.

JILLY
Yeah, but thats if it is with a guy. Its just by yourself, it doesn't count.

DOROTHY
But you are supposed to save yourself for your husband.

CINDY
No, Jilly is totally right, it doesn't count. Besides, I'm sure that your husband wouldnt mind if you got a little practice in. [pause] Maybe you should think about doing it.

DOROTHY
No... no I dont think so. I wouldn't even know what to do.

CINDY
We just showed you. Basically you take anything with a rounded top, or your fingers, make sure its clean and just do what Jilly showed you.

RENEE
It really is a piece of cake, except the first time, that hurts.

DOROTHY
How much?

RENEE
Not a lot, as long as you do it fast.

BRIDGET
Guys this is boring. Lets play a game.

lights fade

lights come up on MOTHER and DOCTOR in hallway, they talk in low voices

DOCTOR
Apparently Dorothy was using a frozen hot dog as masturbation tool, but as she was using it it broke off inside her vagina. Its a good thing you brought her here Mrs. Carmel. She could have gotten a really bad infection.

MOTHER
I am really sorry about this Doctor, my Dorothy has never done anything like this before...

DOCTOR
Experimenting with masturbation is totally normal, a little early for her age I would say, but thats nothing to worry about. Shes probably just more mature than her peers. I would have a talk with her, she probably has a lot of questions. I imagine she would want to talk to you about it, and not her ER doctor.

MOTHER
Oh, don't worry, we'll have a talk.

Lights fade

Lights come up on MOTHER and DOROTHY in the exam room. DOROTHY is wearing a hospital johhny and hercheeks are very red, silent tears roll down her bent head.

MOTHER
Honestly Dorothy! What were you thinking??? Do you know the filthy sin you have committed? Tell me, what were you think you were doing? Did you think you were being a grown up???? You are supposed to be saving yourself for your husband!

DOROTHY
I- [sobs] I was trying to get ready for my husband, some one told me, I should [sobs] practice!

DOROTHY sobs more

MOTHER
I dont know what kind of a man would want a spoiled girl.... I dont know who has been filling your head with this filth, but you can believe me, you will never see them again.

MOTHER hands DOROTHY her clothes

MOTHER
Get dressed.

MOTHER does not turn to give DOROTHY privacy. Lights fade

Lights come up on DOROTHY in a very drab school uniform. She sits in her room. It is very small with little furniture. Jesus on the cross hangs above her iron bed, with now pillow. The walls are a sickly mint green, there is wardrobe. DOROTHY sits at her small wooden desk in her small wooden chair, she speaks as she rights.

DOROTHY
Hey guys. I just got out of mass it was pretty interesting... I miss you guys a lot. My mom says Im going to be here until I go to college, I hope she changes her mind... St. Mary's Convent isnt that bad though. The food doesn't taste like anything, the blankets itch my face, some of the Nuns are really mean, and I have no friends. But Sister Josephine says that if I stay here and pray for my sins that God will forgive me, and he could give my virginity back. I hope shes right.... Well I got to go. I miss you guys! Love Dorothy.

Lights fade

END

Lights rise on Sam he is on his house phone, playing with a ring box. He opens and closes it over and over, the ring is a pretty decent size

SAM
So you can put it in her dessert? [pause] And you are sure nothing will happen to it? [SAM relaxes a little.]Ok, thank you very much. You too.

SAM hangs up. Lights fade.

Lights come up on SAM in a fancy restaurant, he is handing over the box to the manager. The restaurant is closed

SAM
You're sure this will be safe?

MANAGER
Yes sir, we are very good about these things, you can trust us. [pause] We look forward to seeing you again at 7.

SAM
Thanks

MANAGER
Good luck.

Sam exits. Lights fade

Lights come up on SAM and a plain looking woman eating sipping wine, dinner plates empty. WAITER enters to clear the dinner plates, another WAITER follows him carrying dessert, he sets the desserts in front of them, the ring is clearly is sticking out of WOMAN'S dessert. WAITER winks at SAM before exiting.

WOMAN
This looks delicious.

SAM
I wanted to talk to you about something.

WOMAN starts stuffing her face

WOMAN
[mouth full]
This is delicious!

SAM
Wait no!

WOMAN swallows, and begins to eat more

WOMAN
[mouth full]
What?

Lights fade

Lights come up on SAM and WOMAN in WOMAN'S living room, SAM holding the ring, the same ring.

SAM
Okay, lets try this again.

SAM gets on one knee. lights fade.

End

Lights come up on DANNY eating a cheeseburger in his car. He takes the first bite, and starts to chew, his face screws up because the burger taste bad. He swallows, makes an yuck sound, and swishes his drink in his mouth.

DANNY
Thats disgusting.

DANNY keeps eating it anyway, lights fade.

Lights come up on DANNY vomiting in a toilet. Lights fade.


Lame Play a Day

Post Secret: I have to check out peoples' butts. Even if I'm not attracted to them. I'm super sneaky about it. Really kind of proud of it. No one's butt is safe from my sneaky check-outage. And no, I'm not male.

Lights come up on KAYLEE sitting on a park bench watching people go by, every time so one goes by, she checks out their butt, no matter what they look like. She is discreet, sometimes she will bend over to "tie" her shoe, or act like there is something interesting in the direction of their butt, etc. It is like this for a few moments, KAYLEE has an opinion of every butt she looks at, and expresses this opinion to herself non-verbally. WOMAN enters, a robust southern black WOMAN, wearing clothes that are tight, and don't flatter her. KAYLEE is in shock of the WOMAN'S looks checks out her butt very obviously, and laughs. WOMAN whips around glaring, as the scene goes on, people start to watch.

WOMAN
What are you laughing at? Ain't you ever seen a large woman before?!

KAYLEE doesn't speak, she is scared

WOMAN
Oh, see it's not so funny anymore is it?! Now you ain't got nothing to say, do ya?! Come on, tell me, tell me what you think!? You could laugh before, now lets hear ya say it!

KAYLEE
[being brave]
I think your pants are too tight for your uh... [pause thinking of putting it nice] for your figure.

WOMAN
Oh my figure! MY FIGURE?! I will have you know little Missy, that I have a beautiful body, unlike you, miss skinny minny anorexic. Lets see you try to please a man with that body! No, you couldn't do it! You know why?! You ain't got no curves, you're thin and ugly as sin. But you didn't see me laughing at you now did ya?! [pause] No I didn't think so.

WOMAN exits, people start to laugh at KAYLEE< lights fade on KAYLEE, humiliated.

Post Secret: Sometimes, when I go shopping I ask to have my my purchases gift wrapped, so I can open them when I get home.

Lights come up on a department store. Woman is in line for check out, she is holding a new out fit. The line moves along, and then it is WOMAN'S turn.

CLERK
[scanning]
Happy its the holidays?

WOMAN
Oh, yes, I can't wait to have Christmas with my family.

CLERK
That will be 52 50.

WOMAN
[Handing credit card to CLERK]
Can I have that gift wrapped?

CLERK
Sure.

CLERK wraps the outfit.

CLERK
There you go Ma'am, happy holidays.

WOMAN
You too.

Lights fade.

Lights come up on WOMAN entering her home, her coat has snow on it, the room is dark except for the lights of a christmas tree. WOMAN flicks on the light, and we see presents under the tree. WOMAN places the gift under the tree with care, and exits to her bedroom, lights fade.

Lights come up on WOMAN bounding out of her bedroom early in the morning. She is wearing feet pajamas. She is all alone.

WOMAN
Merry Christmas every one!

WOMAN opens the package from the previous scene, showing the outfit, holding up to herself.

WOMAN
Thanks mom, I love it!

Lights fade.

Lights come up on WOMAN sitting in a pile of wrapping paper, surrounded by gifts for herself.

WOMAN
Thank you so much every one, this has been the best Christmas yet. Oh! Billy, wait until you see the size of the ham mom got, its bigger than my hole head! Do you want to see it now? [pause] Come on!

WOMAN runs to the kitchen, lights fade on the gifts and wrapping paper.

WOMAN
[In the darkness]
I told you it was huge!