Post Secret: Nothing scares me more than the penis.

Lights come up on a sex education class. The room has boys and girls in it, class has not yet started. The boys sit on one side, the girls on the other, both groups are giggling when an unattractive female teacher enters, carrying a bag.


TEACHER
Ok boys and girls, today we are going to learn the proper way to put on a condom. [takes a box of condoms out of the bag, takes one out for herself.]Please take one out of the box, and pass it around.
[pause] Ok, when opening a condom, it is important not to use your teeth, and I don't care how many actors you see doing it, you can rip a hole in the condom, increasing your chance of pregnancy. Make sure you tear at the tear mark. [begins to open it] Go on, open ours.

Students begin to open their condoms.

TEACHER
Don't take them out of the package. We are going to try putting them on penis-

BOYS hoot, expectantly

TEACHER
-models. Other wise known, as bananas [laughs, takes out bananas and passes them out] Now, a banana is not exactly like a penis, so I am going to use wally to demonstrate. [TEACHER takes out a module penis, with a suction cup at the base. She sticks it onto the wall] See? Wally.

GIRL 1 groans

TEACHER
Something wrong?

GIRL 1
[putting her head down.]
No ma'am.

TEACHER
Does this make you uncomfortable, or scare you?

BOY 1
Haha! Alice is afraid of cock!

GIRL 1 sinks into her chair

TEACHER
Tyler! Go to the Principles office! I will not tolerate that kind of behavior!

BOY 1
What ever, this class is stupid anyway.

BOY 1 exits

TEACHER
Are you okay Alice?

GIRL 1
Uh huh.

TEACHER
This class isn't mandatory, you may leave if you want to.

GIRL 1
no, I'm okay...

TEACHER
Ok, [resuming class] Ok,so there are several methods to put on a condom, I prefer the blow method.

BOYS hoot

TEACHER
Boys, come on now. [pause] Take the penis out of the package and blow onto the tip, it should pop out. Make sure the tip is coming up through the condom, if it isn't, blow again from the other side.

CLASS follows her instructions

TEACHER
Ok, now I see Janice has already begun rolling her condom on. Make sure you roll it onto the banana, don't stretch it over, or blow it up and put it on. This can cause tears. [TEACHER begins to roll condom on WALLY] See, roll it on like this.

STUDENTS begin to follow instructions, except for GIRL 1

TEACHER
Alice, could you please try?

No response from GIRL 1, TEACHER unsticks WALLY from the wall, and sticks it onto GIRL 1's desk

TEACHER
Look, its not that hard. [she takes condom off, and ] Why don't you try with Wally?

GIRL 1 looks up in horror, and runs out of the room. Lights fade.